Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Wu Tang (Lite)

As much as it hurts me to admit this, I'm not actually from the Shaolin Slums. But, in spite of this, I guess at some point in my life I'll probably find myself in a situation where I have to torture some dude. Or even be in a position to release a totally AUTHENTIC middle-class white-dude rap album. (Sage Francis if you steal this man I'm seriously going to be pissed off). Back to the main point here... TORTURE MUTHAFUCKA, YEAH, I FUCKEN, I'LL FUCKEN...

  • Fucken make you brush your teeth and then make you drink some orange juice**;

  • Force you to go out in public in some trackpants motherfucker;

  • I'll pay some kid on Myspace to remix your favourite band;

  • I'ma fucken tell all your friends I saw you goin' into a Streetwise Scarlet show man, and not just because you were trying to root some scene bitch, and they'll be all like "yo I herd you got the musical aids, don;t wanna hang out no more lol";

  • Make your ass drink instant coffee. Literally, your ass.

  • I'll drink your 1986 Cabernet Sauvignon and replace it with inferior cask wine.

  • I fucken cook you a three-course meal and over-salt the soup, ruining the whole experience and letting you the fuck down.

  • I will sprinkle pubic lice in your underwear drawer then tell everyone you're itching because of herpes.

  • I'll fucken put like some chip crumbs and some sand in your bed man, yeah lets see who's sleeping now muthafucker.

TORTURE MOTHERFUCKER. I accept no responsibility for any lives totally fucking ruined by the above methods.

**If anyone can come up with anything worse than this then I will seriously give you like $3 to never come near me.

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