As much as it hurts me to admit this, I'm not actually from the Shaolin Slums. But, in spite of this, I guess at some point in my life I'll probably find myself in a situation where I have to torture some dude. Or even be in a position to release a totally AUTHENTIC middle-class white-dude rap album. (Sage Francis if you steal this man I'm seriously going to be pissed off). Back to the main point here... TORTURE MUTHAFUCKA, YEAH, I FUCKEN, I'LL FUCKEN...
Fucken make you brush your teeth and then make you drink some orange juice**;
Force you to go out in public in some trackpants motherfucker;
I'll pay some kid on Myspace to remix your favourite band;
I'ma fucken tell all your friends I saw you goin' into a Streetwise Scarlet show man, and not just because you were trying to root some scene bitch, and they'll be all like "yo I herd you got the musical aids, don;t wanna hang out no more lol";
Make your ass drink instant coffee. Literally, your ass.
I'll drink your 1986 Cabernet Sauvignon and replace it with inferior cask wine.
I fucken cook you a three-course meal and over-salt the soup, ruining the whole experience and letting you the fuck down.
I will sprinkle pubic lice in your underwear drawer then tell everyone you're itching because of herpes.
I'll fucken put like some chip crumbs and some sand in your bed man, yeah lets see who's sleeping now muthafucker.
TORTURE MOTHERFUCKER. I accept no responsibility for any lives totally fucking ruined by the above methods.
**If anyone can come up with anything worse than this then I will seriously give you like $3 to never come near me.