Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Death to false metal, pt. 1:

Dimmu Borgir – What kind of asshole names their band after a stupid hill in Iceland anyway? "Oh hey dudes you should check out my new band, we're called Tungnafellsjokul that's totally grym right". This band is nothing more than some dude totally raping this parents' cat because he couldn't whack off (his hands were all bloody from “hardout shredding”). And you KNOW they probably have songs about Lord of the Rings. Seriously, check the mustache. Mustaches never lie:

"I'm gonna finger the SHIT out of that cat"

For some reason heaps of fat goth girl-dudes seem to rock Dimmu Borgir tshirts. I can think of only two possible explanations:

(a) they think they have better chances with guys that will obviously root cats, or
(b) Dimmu Borgir tshirts go up to size XXXXXXXL.

If we're being honest with ourselves, it's actually (b).

'Melodic' metal can eat a few thousand dicks. Think about it this way - Bolt Thrower = cool. Playing the an Orchestra = lame, unless you're Cypress Hill (or a classical musician, but that should go without saying...). So, Dimmu Borgir fails - they're not Bolt Thrower or Cypress Hill, they're just a bunch of dudes wearing facepaint who probably root cats and fat girls


From left to right: Really fucking scared of some shit, disapproving, homosexual glad-eyes (back), the pain of penetration (front), probably think's he's a snake, and that weird bitch off the Ring.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If you only were clever or just a little intelligent about your insult it MIGHT have been funny... but god, you're an idiot