TEST

Elections are coming up! Politics! A totally exciting chance to choose which group of rich white dudes is going to control the country and inevitably fuck things up. There are only two good things about elections. The first is the inevitable scandal involving some MP's bizarre sexual practices. Predicting this prior to it's media explosion is a bit like playing Cluedo, and this year I'm totally picking Gerry Brownlee in the public toilets with the small boy. I'm pretty sure the UN said you're allowed to be racist to Catholics.



Anyway, second only good thing about elections is getting to fuck with the metric fuck-tonne of signage which seems to appear from nowhere. Finally, pockets corrupted by ink because you were too drunk off Country cask wine to put the cap back on a pen after drawing dicks/quoting DH Lawrence on public toilet walls will be avenged. There's even an established scoring system, so (just like everything else) you can now compete against your foetal-alcohol suffering peers at destroying a whole bunch of shit. You should pretty much be shouting (or at least thinking) 'uP tHe PuNx!!' while touching your destructo-boner right now. Anyway, the scores work like:

+1 point for every small sign stashed under your bed;
+2 points for every cock, Hitler 'stache and crudely drawn set of tits applied;
+3 for every billboard;
+10 for wheatpasting the face of Antonie Dixon over local candidates pictures;



+10,000 points for fingerbanging any candidate and pasting photos all around town;
-100 points for being an asshole and actually trying to write some 'meaningful' political message on a billboard.

As a prize to whoever ends up with the most points I am offering the fuckin' sweetest picture of a vampire sucking a dude off (for money) that I have ever seen. You are unlikely to ever again be offered such a good prize for drawing penises on things.

Oh and there's probably no point being all like "oh man but it's totally not cool and it's wrong to go doing some crimes and being a saboter" etc, because the standard Emile Cioran response will just get flopped out, I'll be all "Objectively, life is essentially meaningless, so watever do wat I want" and the argument will be over right then and there. You pretty much can't compete with the combined logic of Romanian nihilists and 14 year old girls throwing tantrums because their mum won't let them move in with their 23 year old boyfriend.

NOTE: THIS IS ALL A HUGE JOKE AND PLAGUE YEARS IN NO WAY CONDONES ANY CHALLENGE TO THE RULE OF LAW UNDER HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE(c). GERRY BROWNLEE (MAYBE) DOESN'T MOLEST CHILDREN. ALL PICTURES RECEIVED WILL BE PRESUMED TO BE PHOTOSHOPS BECAUSE NO ONE EVER DOES CRIMES.