Tuesday, September 9, 2008


A study came out a few weeks ago, which confirms that people's personality tends to relate to the type of music which they listen to most. The study was in all likelyhood conducted by the same totally bad-ass, hard hitting and relevant group that gave us last years groundbreaking “Men with attractive partners want more sex” conclusion, but this is irrelevant. Building on this study with by asking approximately none of the 36,000 people originally surveyed and instead just adding my own opinion, it has become increasingly clear that peoples lifestyle's are also dictated by the music form which they listen to / identify with. Every single person who listens to a genre of music is the same. It's SCIENCE. Here I present my research, which expands from music preferences giving clues to personality, towards specifics.

Indie: You drink coffee from trendy cafes, live (or want to live) in a central city loft apartment, use words like “authentic” and “postmodern” pretty much every day, hate on bands you previously liked if they gain an ounce of popularity. No matter how hard you pretend, Nu Rave is your fault. So are the Arctic Monkeys.

Punk: You wear patches saying shit like "Upping the punx, smash teh state, anarky and chaos in the UK oi oi". On your $120 sweatshop 'punk pants'. And sell the front door to your squat to buy glue to sniff, or some homebrew ethanol.

Classical: You're old, or want to root old dudes (classy old dudes, not like Southern Blues Bar old dudes) (Women can be dudes too, stop being sexist). Or you're one of those weirdo band kids that got forced to play clarinet by their parents and never had the balls (Women can have balls too, stop being sexist) to be all like “go eat a bag of dicks, I just wanna play Sega and listen to Hanson”

RnB: You're a female commerce student who goes to Shooters every night. Even when it's closed. Figure that one out.

Rap Music: You're an asshole. You're white, and you wear a sweatband halfway up your arm. You contemplated getting corn-rows at some stage in your life

'Twisted' Metal: You think that “uhwaahahaha” is some straight up lyrical 'genious' shit. Probably have dreadlocks and think that Maynard isn't a total douchebag. If you don't have a can of Woodstock 8% in your hand, it's because you spent all your money on meth and now have to save up for a shitload of dental work.

'Trve' Metal: Total asshole. You wear boots all the time, and would be totally down with Nazi shit if it didn't mean your skinny white ass would get pounded on a regular basis. You're a total elitist and will actually try and kill some one with your gaze alone for not being faniliar with Insect Warfare's Endless Execution Through Violent Restitution.

"Rock Music": Just like sinking heaps and being the man, basically. While listening to Shihad and thinking it's totally sweet and original, bro.

What gives me the right to pidgeonhole everyone like that? It's not like I have any authority on the matter, right? Wrong. I am a scientist. This is science, so you can't really argue. Want some evidence? It's... in the bible or some shit.

For some reason, we really like to judge people, based on whatever characteristic. Pretty much every other form of judgment based on one single aspect of a person's life is off limits now, so scientists (read: me. I am a scientist) have turned to music. Next, groundbreaking research will show that people that prefer McDonalds to cooking at home are generally lazier, and people who work in sales are more outgoing. Does it matter? Will you use this research in everyday life? This is not helpful. Money would be better spent on researching which alcohol preference makes you more likely to sleep with losers. At least you can sell that sort of research. And spend the money on something worthwhile. Like a supercomputer.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"and now have to save up for a shitload of dental work."