Thursday, March 12, 2009


This is not a story of “the imaginative” as in the “imagine-if” type of thing you usually associate that whole thing with. It's more of a story about a swift one pulled on a detestable guy. Not like a Tom Swifty-esque thing or anything related to Jonathon Swift, in fact fuck it I don't even know why it's called pulling a swift one which actually sounds like smashing off real fast behind a curtain at some social function rather than getting one over someone but whatever who am I to quarrel with the English language I mean it has served me pretty well for a while allowed me to communicate got me blowjobs etc but yes back on point this dude's name was like Calhoun or Posslethwaite or something equally detestable (again with that word it is a pretty bangin' word so lets run with it) and I can't remember exactly what he did but it was to the effect of talking shit about me and getting my girlfriend to not like me for a while or some such which was totally bogus. Yes bogus. Well anyway the plan was to helms this guy when he didn't expect it. I mean no one really ever expects a helmsing but y'know, do it at some inconvenient point in life where it's A) public and B) MAXIMUM HUMILIATION. So even though yr devoid of the subcultural capital to even understand at this point a helmsing I am going to sell out and explain that, for expositions sake – basically a helmsing is an “atomic wedgie” if you're one of those retarded fat Americans that says things like atomic wedgie and if you say words like that you probably also call your friends “brah” and scream “spring breaaaak” when it's spring break at Cancun Mexico and I'm not even American haven't even been there and I know you are below average humans, on an objective scale. So yeah it was set up this Calhoun/Posslethwaite ma'fucker was gonna get helmsed because he spat some bullshit and upset my girl and basically he wasn't a total dude and people didn't really dig him or the fact that he was just making things awkward and shit so an ambush was planned right. Not like some gnarly over the top “oh lets grab him and skull fuck him and kill him” sort of thing, it was more like “let's wait til he's talking to those babes that he talks to sometimes (and they were babes) and just run up and helms the fuck out of him (we have a lot of spare time but that is not a bad thing because it means A) we can helms this dude at any stage because the reconnaisance + tracking part of things will not eat away at valuable Company Time which would otherwise be the case and B) I have time to philosophize post-event (e.g. right now) as to the significance of that happened.

Okay changing perspective now, excuse me, from now on you're reading from the perspective of that crappy dude with the annoying name that makes you want to punch something and you don't even know why.

“Oh man I was just walking down the road thinking about my sweet hair or something because I like to think about my hair and I was like oh my god I bet girls see me and are like “oh man I would suck his penis if the opportunity presented itself” or something blah blah blah man I have a sweet name I bet no one gets annoyed by it ahahaha yay <33>

“Hey, s'aaapening babes?”

“Uh not a whole bunch man”

“Blah blah blah” fuck my own voice actually sounds pretty cool, wouldn't mind hearing more of it.

“Dude who are those guys behind you?”


Back to the like “narrative perspective” if you would like to call it such I don't really know don't have an English degree eh anyway pretty much just helmsed the shit out of that guy. The sun was setting while this happened, casting an almost surreal shadow, what would in other times by Cecil Woodham-Smith be called a “dim gloom across the battlefield”. It is almost sad that the world is overrun by universities, each offering a department of history, because when there was only one or two dudes who even cared enough to record history (hi Tacitus we should hang or something) individual perspective was worth a lot more. And in this I would suggest that from my individual perspective the Battle of Helmsing Some Crap Dude was of far more significance that I guess at least the Korean War. This is all subsets of the relativity of time I'm sure but don't expect anyone to understand that because I don't myself and really fuck it all this is only about a guy that got his underpants ripped off because he crossed a line. Hardly needs analysis or whatever.

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