'Well, love, but you know the idiom “not yourself” - “He's not himself today”, for example' crooking and uncrooking fingers to form quotes on either side of what she says, which Mario adores. 'There are, apparently, persons who are deeply afraid of their own emotions, particularly the painful ones. Grief, regret, sadness. Sadness, especially, perhaps. Dolores describes these people as afraid of obliteration, emotional engulfment. As if something truly and thoroughly felt would have no end or bottom. Would become infinite and engulf them.
'Engulf means obliterate'
'My point here is that certain types of persons are terrified even to poke a big toe into genuinely felt regret or sadness, or to get angry. This means they are afraid to live. They are imprisoned in something, I think. Frozen inside, emotionally. Why is this. No one knows, love-o. It's sometimes called “suppression,” ' with the fingers out the the side again. 'Dolores believes it derives from childhood trauma, but I suspect not always. There may be persons who are born imprisoned. The irony, of course, being that the very imprisonment that prohibits sadness's expression must itself feel intensely sad and painful. For the hypothetical person in question.'
**
Kind of think I am afraid to live, maybe. Not really sure right now. Going on a tropical holiday, anyways. Back in 8 days - might write some shit and read a bunch and swim lots and drink from pieces of fruit. Hopefully!
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